HELLO FRIENDS!

I took a pause.

I was feeling overwhelmed.

In the past, I would have “powered through” because that is what I do best.

We have been conditioned to think is the RIGHT way to do it. The ONLY way to do it.

But I know better now.

At the end of August, after 2 years of being, and continuing to be vigilant, I got COVID. It shook me, physically and mentally. So I isolated and was grateful I had my vaccinations or I would have ended up in the hospital. I was in the middle of The 50 Project which was very important to me and I needed to finish it. So I pushed through.

In early September I turned 50. I didn’t want any sort of celebration but the things I had planned to celebrate my milestone my way, I had to cancel or postpone due to COVID. It was the right thing to do but it bothered me more than I realized. But I kept on keeping on.

By that time I started to realize I was becoming a bundle of stress and anxiety. I recognized, maybe a bit too late, I needed a moment. So once The 50 Project was over I took it.

I still was “present” but not to the level I am normally and it was the right move.

I recently did an interview with a very insightful young man for a school project on cancer. All of his questions were great but his last one really hit home. He asked me what advice I would offer to people trying to support others with cancer.

Without knowing he had hit an issue that is very tender and important to some of us in the cancer community. As I was answering him I recognized that might be at the heart of my current feelings over being overwhelmed. The root of what I was feeling was my cancer life.

When I started to feel overwhelmed, I was close to my 3-month surveillance check-up, which is always anxiety-ridden as I wait for results. But this time, because of my COVID experience, I was extra worried. I think that is what was fueling my current feelings.

It isn’t that I want to be defined by cancer, but I also can’t deny it is such a BIG part of my life. I can’t just “get over it” as it is always with me, some days more than others. My answer to the question this young man had asked me for his project helped me to do some self-reflection.  

I think it is important to understand if someone in your life has or had cancer it just doesn’t end with treatments. Although we appreciate the kind words and celebrations when treatment ends it is important to know that for a lot of us, the move from active treatment to surveillance mode is freeing but terrifying. Every bump, ache, or change can set you in a spiral. Whether cancer comes back or it doesn’t, cancer changes your life.

I am always trying to focus on the positives of that change because there are positives. But I also can’t help to have moments where I need to sit in it and be sad, angry, jealous, you know, all of those negative feelings. My therapist encourages it, as she reminds me, I need to grieve the life I thought I would have that cancer took from me.

I am so strong but I am also fragile. I have great relationships in my life, and I also have broken ones. I am so happy with my life’s purpose and I am terrified it won’t work. I am full of joy and I also get sad. I believe I am going to be okay and I am scared I won’t be. I feel incredibly whole and also utterly broken.

I am all of these things and more, and sometimes it gets to be all too much for me. The end of August and September was a tsunami of situations that made me lose my footing.  So I took a pause.

I am proud that I understood I was in trouble and needed a break. Old me would have just pushed it all down, way down, and continued. But now I know rest is healthy and it is also productive.

Through this pause, I used my therapy strategies, like journaling, to help me with my emotions. I rethought my current plan for my course. I decided to pause the fall sessions as I wanted to do some important updates and launch them in January. I revamped my packages. I became a member of a Cancer-Related Fatigue Study. I completed the orientation process so I could be a volunteer on the Cancer PFAC (Patient and Family Advisory Committee) at our local hospital. I made time for my people, virtually and in real life. I practiced being my own Health Care Advocate skills with my recent 3-month tests. I did all the things I needed to do to quiet my brain and calm my soul.

I am sure many can relate. You have either gone through it, are going through it, or will go through it. It is so normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. I think the important part is to face it and do your best. You got this and so do I.