Years ago I saw this cartoon and I felt seen.

I have spoken before about how living with cancer has taught me the power of my body, and my appreciation for my body has grown from that fact.

I wish I had learned that lesson earlier in my life.

Let’s be honest. Living in a bigger body has never been embraced. I can’t tell you how many times assumptions have been made about my health from a judgment based on looking at my body. Most people don’t realize I have been into fitness since I was 19. That I have been an endurance walker and have done countless ½ marathons and other high km races. Or that I was Can Fit Pro certified at one point in my life.

Instead, I have been lectured (unsolicited most times) by people who believe because I am fat that I am not healthy or fit. Most of the time it is from people who have their own addictions they are choosing to ignore OR feel aren’t an issue but feel justified to let me know how unhealthy I am because at least they are thin!

I can laugh about the ignorance now but at the time it hurt a lot. Who am I kidding, it still hurts, but now I  know that they don’t have a clue. I know I will never convivence them otherwise. It is what it is. (Man, I hate that statement but sometimes it just fits as in this case.)

That is the problem with being a people pleaser. You don’t want to rock the boat. You don’t want to make other people feel bad. At the expense of your own feelings.

I am a work in progress when it comes to my people pleasing but one thing I know for certain. I will NOT let anyone ever tell me again how unhealthy I am because I am fat.

It is not true.

I know how hard I work towards my health. I do my best and for once in my life, I know that is enough.

So today, on this day of love, I am going to write a love letter to my body, she deserves it.

Dear Body,

You are a rockstar.

I wish I realized this growing up together.

I regret the years I felt ashamed of you and treated you so unkindly.

 You didn’t deserve it.

Since the moment I was born, you have helped me survive. Countless hospital visits. Surgeries. All before the age of 5. Without your support I know I wouldn’t be here.

Yet I didn’t always show my appreciation for you. I starved you because I was told that was how to be healthy.  I agreed when doctors used my weight as an excuse FOR EVERYTHING. I nodded and smiled when so many people told me what I should do to make you look better.

I NEVER stuck up for you.

I am sorry.

In 2015 when I was first diagnosed with cancer I was so scared. Once again you came through. Surgery. Radiation. Countless pokes and prodding. You stood strong.  

Finally, I started to realize how lucky I was to have you. But still…

I struggled with fully appreciating you. When I returned to work after surgery and someone told us how good we looked and asked my secret I wanted so badly to say cancer. But I just smiled and thanked them.

I should have said, well cancer has ravaged my body but she is still here, kicking ass.

Then cancer came back. So aggressively. I truly believed I was going to die.

But you were stoic once again.

You took 6 months of chemo during a pandemic like a pro. You take all the blood work and IVs when they couldn’t find your veins because they are TIRED all in stride.

Most times I took it all in silence letting them disparage you.

Letting people move me around like a rag doll, smacking my arms to get a vein like I wasn’t there, and saying things like “wow, you have the worst veins I have worked on.” Or “I have never worked on veins this bad.”

I even apologized to them for you.

Even though you always forgave me, I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for that one.

But then, one day after one of my 3-month surveillance tests when it took two different nurses over an hour to get an IV and the entire time as they pulled me into different positions, hit you repeatedly to try to get a vein and made roughly 11 attempts to get the IV in as they blamed you while I sat quietly…I had enough.

That will NEVER happen again because this I know with certainty:

You are SO STRONG.

You are SO BRAVE.

You are SO WORTHY.

I am unbelievably proud of you and all you have done for me. I will NEVER take you for granted again.

I will tell you every day as part of my daily mantra how proud I am of you and how much I love you.

I will stop anyone who tries to belittle you, promptly with firmness but also with the kindness that they don’t give to me. 

I know now how important our partnership is on our health journey and I will always be supportive of you no matter what anyone else thinks.

Thank you for saving my life time and time again.

I will be gentle with you going forward. I promise.

Love, Me  💖