HELLO FRIENDS!

Spring has sprung and I am feeling the renewal vibes.

This winter felt dark and heavy for me.

I was stuck in a healthcare loop and it really got me down.

It got me thinking a lot about my journey and the decisions I have made to ensure that I make my health my number one priority.

Although I know there is no more important focus than my health it also comes with sacrifices, one of the biggest ones, financial.

My ability to work isn’t what it once was, and it is dangerous to my health and well-being to work at the intensity I once I did.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to maintain my career. I love my career. There are adjustments to it that I have had to implement which has definitely impacted the money I bring in.

But for anyone who has been following my story, you will know when my cancer returned more aggressively at the end of 2019 the first thing I thought and vocalized after saying “I want to see my brother” was “All I have done was work since my last time with cancer.”

I know with all my heart I have made the right choice but without question it has been difficult, especially for someone who has been independent her whole adult life.

The reality is, in order to bring in the same income I once did, I would need to sacrifice my health and well-being. That is something I am no longer willing to do. For me living well isn’t about money it is about my health.

That said, it doesn’t mean it is easy, it comes with great sacrifices that, if I am being honest, I am still figuring out and is causing me stress, which also isn’t great for my health.

So what have I been doing these last few months?

I am continuing to be a strong healthcare advocate. I know I sound like a broken record but this is the best advice I can give anyone going through a health journey.

I am doing this in various ways by talking to people who are experts in this area, trying to be kinder to myself, and taking it all one step at a time.

I have been absent sharing my journey but not because I didn’t want to. It was because I didn’t know how. It is important to be real, especially on social that can be so curated and I wasn’t sure how to explain how I was feeling or even if I wanted to.

As a private person sharing my journey has been cathartic and helpful (I hope not only for me) but it has also been exhausting. Finding that balance of sharing within my comfort zone has been difficult for me. I only know how to be authentic and sometimes when I think I am not sharing enough I feel like I am being “fake.”

The reality is, I am just being me and that is enough.

So I took a break. I canceled my Twitter and Facebook (not Facebook Messenger because I still need my group chats!) and immediately I felt a bit better.

Being able to take time to go through what I was going through was critical for my well-being.

Focusing on the social areas I enjoy like blogging and Instagram felt manageable. Most importantly not having the pressure (that I put on myself) to be sharing when I didn’t feel like it gave me relief.

I dove deep into my community roles. My cancer PFAC (Patient and Family Advisory Council) role at RVH (Royal Victoria Hospital) keeps me busy and that helps. Being able to do what I love while being one of the voices for my community feels like it is what I am meant to do.  So much so I am now also a part of Ontario Health PSO (Psychosocial Oncology) & Survivorship PFAC.  I don’t identify with the word survivor or survivorship but I know so many in my community who do which I totally understand. Living with cancer is a part of the cancer journey that I am incredibly passionate about therefore being able to contribute even in a small way towards cancer initiatives in this area brings me joy.

Concentrating on my health is always top of mind. Throughout the winter even though I was struggling, actually ESPECIALLY because I was struggling,  I continued to participate in individual therapy, cancer therapy groups, and cancer studies/programs. I am always game to learn, share my experience, and be amongst people who truly understand what I am going through.   

As a result of all this amazing learning from my therapy and cancer programs, I decided to tackle one of my biggest roadblocks and get it under control. It was a big stressor for me that was becoming something that was on the verge of jeopardizing my health. I work tirelessly to ensure my health is under control but it is a fragile balance which is why it always has to be my top priority. WITHOUT QUESTION.

So I channeled the strength I put into being a strong Healthcare Advocate into this other stressor and did what I had to do. It wasn’t easy but important things never are. But this I know – I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

And I did.

That definitely helped to lift me out from under my dark clouds and start to look ahead with more hope. Perfect timing as it was once again time for my surveillance tests/checkup!

This was my first time at 4 months as I have been every 3 months since my treatments stopped in June 2020. There is ALWAYS (and will always be) anxiety around my testing period. I am not alone in this – my community calls it “SCANXIETY” time. Don’t worry I have talked to my therapist and MANY other professionals during the cancer studies I have been a part of  – and it is perfectly normal. I have strategies that I implement that I have learned through all these amazing resources. It helps. But the reality is, it will always be there, and this time a bit extra due to the extra month. Also because I am nearing my 3 years break from treatment, another huge milestone. I only made a 4-year break from treatment for my first time with cancer so as I get closer to that milestone from my recurrence journey I get extra nervous.

I am happy to say, it all went well and I am good to go until September! I used to say “I am approved for my next 3-month life chunk” after each surveillance period because that is how I felt. I was living my life in chunks between my surveillance.

I have decided I don’t want to live that way anymore.

I am not putting on the rose-coloured glasses – those will never touch my face don’t worry.

I have realistic optimism. I know what I am living with. I understand how it will forever impact my life. But I am tired of only living in chunks, I want to LIVE without any parameters.

Of course, I still celebrate as this is good news, it is important to do that. But when you live with cancer the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” is always present. So it is a celebration tempered with a dose of reality. It’s the best I can do and as I say all the time – that is enough.

That brings me to today. Back at it because I miss it. I am a storyteller. I am a writer. I want to help myself and others. This blog helps me do that, so I am excited I feel ready to pick it back up again.

Between my work contracts, my community work, and spending time with family/friends I am going to make sure I put this back on my priority list. I need it.

That is really what this blog post is about. Taking care of me. I know I am not alone in this. Putting yourself first can be hard. It is a real struggle for me but I am learning. Slow living is what I am focusing on now. The foundation of that is putting myself first. I am proud that I finally understand the power of doing that.

Thanks for sticking around for me. I promise I will get back to blogging regularly. It fills my soul.