January 24^th, 2023, at my 3-month surveillance checkup I officially graduated to a 4-month surveillance schedule.

That’s a big deal.

It was one of the intentions I set for myself for this year.

On World Cancer Day I thought it would be a good idea to help people understand cancer life especially when it comes to receiving good news like I just did.

I wish I could tell you it meant my stress and anxiety disappeared and that my cancer was gone forever. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case.

To help put it in perspective, my supportive and realistic (the only way to be) oncologist said to me before we parted ways: “I am so happy for you. This doesn’t happen often with this kind of a diagnosis.”

The reality is my cancer is a forever thing. I think when I say that to people it makes them uncomfortable and I get it. It is common within my cancer community for us to chat about how a lot of people in our circles feel once our treatment is done then our cancer is done.

It is a frustration for us. But we also understand. It is hard when people you love are going through something like cancer.

To be clear, I am on a treatment break. I hope by some miracle for a very, very, very long time. 

I have so many people asking me when I move to a longer surveillance period since I am (almost – in June 2023) 3 years post chemo. I think people think everyone follows the “standard” surveillance period but as I have said before – everyone’s cancer is different which means everyone’s treatment and surveillance period are different.

For my cancer, it was important to have a tighter surveillance period. There is a risk with that too, as part of my surveillance is a CT scan every 3 months which means radiation exposure. As someone who has also had radiation as a treatment for my cancer, this is a decision I don’t take lightly. But as my oncologist explained, my risk of reoccurrence is higher than my risk of getting cancer from radiation exposure.

These are the types of decisions you must make when you live with cancer.

But you make them because you want to keep on keeping on. I want to live.

I do my best to do that with positivity but some days are rough. Like really rough.

I am getting better but my surveillance period is tough for me. I have been in therapy for 8 years now and I have been working HARD on it. So I have lots of tools to help me, I make sure I have an appointment with my therapist for the in-between week of my tests and waiting for results, I journal, and I keep busy but still, those scary thoughts sneak in. It is 100% normal which actually gives me some relief.

That’s the power of a community. My cancer community helps keep me grounded during the “scanxiety” week because we have all been there.

So does my Caregiver. This is where I do a PSA (Public Service Announcement) to say, “don’t forget the caregivers!” They do so much for us. My Mom is mine and she is a rockstar during my surveillance period to help keep me sane but I also know – it is just as hard for her as it is for me. Please, check on the caregivers in your life not just those of us living with an illness. They need love and support too.

The reality of my cancer life can best be illustrated by this example.

January 23^rd I was in the depths of despair waiting for my results. January 24^th I was riding high on my excellent check-up and graduation news. January 25^th I was terrified all over again due to a health blip.

Most times after a surveillance period I have a period of peace, at least for a little while. But this time it wasn’t meant to be.

96% of me felt that blip wasn’t cancer and was confident I will be okay. The other 4% of me got stuck in the “what if.”

When it happened I spent the day researching, calling the oncology hotline, and then booking in with my GP for a face-to-face physical check on February 1^st.

Update from that appointment: I am now 99% sure this health blip isn’t a cancer reoccurrence. I have one more appointment with a member of my health care team next week, my pelvic core physiotherapist, as I trust her as much as I trust my oncologist just to help give me more peace of mind.

The lesson, be a strong Health Care Advocate. I didn’t bury my head in the sand, I put in the work (and it is work) my hope is slowly but surely coming back!

I tell you all this not to feel sorry for me but to help you understand what it is like living with cancer. (Or I suspect any chronic illness.) The constant worry of reoccurrence is always there. The side effects I have from my surgery and treatments are always with me. The stress can be overwhelming at times.

But I have learned after 8 years of this disease being part of my life that you can sit and worry (and I do) but you can also do something to help yourself (which I also do.) There is always a choice, and they aren’t always easy choices but you can do hard things even if you think you can’t.

THAT is what life is all about, right?!

There can be dark times but then there are those moments (small or big) that just light you up and make it all worth it.

Those are the moments that I cling to like a life raft when the waters get choppy!

It reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite writers.