But then…

My Mom, my littlest besties, and I headed to the Barbie movie. It was everything I needed it to be and then some.

The discussions it generated as we talked about it after at dinner, and continue to have via text, were amazing.

It lifted my spirits in a way I didn’t realize I needed it to.

And it made me think…

Should I leave Barbie in the box?

If anyone has seen the movie you will know what I am mean when I say, “Barbie didn’t want to get in the box!”

And why should she?

Why should any of us be put in a box?

I realized that this was something I had been struggling with. 

I have been trying to fit myself inside a box that doesn’t fit me.

One that sure, might be more palatable for others to see me in, but just didn’t work for me.

It actually never fit me, but I tried because I felt I had to. 

The box of what a woman of a certain age should be or do. Things like: being married or in a relationship. Kids and/or grandkids. A high-paying corporate job. Disposable money to take trips or weekly trips to the spa. You get the idea.

There is nothing wrong with these things. I celebrate those who find joy in them. I enjoyed some of them myself back in the day but…

This is not me.

It bothers me sometimes. When I am in my feelings which happens often these days. My mind wanders to what I once had, and I feel a lot of shame that I am not where I “should” be.

It is ridiculous I know.

There are no rules.

I had no control over getting cancer. As the person who did my genetic testing for cancer said to me, “Unfortunately you just have some bad luck.”  

So I focus on what I DO have control over.

How I live my life with cancer.

My box doesn’t fit me because I don’t need a box.

I am perfectly imperfect. A box cannot define me.

I am independent, resilient, kind, funny, creative, thoughtful, and smart. I am also sensitive, I can be judgemental, anal-retentive, inflexible at times, and hard to love. I am a lifelong work in progress.

I am all of the things. 

My path wasn’t what I thought it would be. Sometimes that is a hard pill to swallow. But I also know I have done some INCREDIBLE things in my life; I am so proud of all of my accomplishments. I also have some FANTASTIC people in my life I am so grateful for. 

I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to be ashamed of.

The only thing I should feel is pride. I am doing my best.

I am also exactly where I need to be.

It is time to get free from the box.

It wasn’t easy. Barbie and I were both tied into our boxes pretty well. It took a bit of work but it was worth it.